Monday Blues

Well..actually I don't have the time to have that Monday blues mood right now..It's exactly 1.14pm and school is over for today. I am in the PSS, trying my luck with the internet. Sir Hans helped me to set up the internet settings in my PC and thank God it worked! I was trying to satisfy my craving and addiction towards farmville and sorority life in facebook but it turned out these sites were blocked by KPM (Kementerian Pelajaran Malaysia). Ah well, might as well updating my blog..hehe..broadband at home is super duper slow so I kind of stayed back here for a while and enjoying the time I have..kind of. lol.

This morning I was busy typing and printing out the invitation letter to the parents. Next Tuesday we are having Anugerah Pelajar Cemerlang Bersama Komuniti. Bersama Komuniti; which means the people of this village are taking part in the activity that our school is organising. The coming two weeks will be a loooong week. Tomorrow starts it all with the gotong-royong in the school field. Thursday we will have Bola Sepak, Bola Tampar, Bola Jaring, Sepak Takraw. Friday ada Sukaneka, petangnya Karaoke. Ahad another gotong-royong di sekolah. And the BIG day is on the 17th of November, Tuesday, the Majlis itself. Acting as the Secretary and Treasurer, there's a lot of work waiting in line for me. PK HEM asks me if I'm interested to open a booth during one of the days to offer photocopy service and picture printing. Hmm, not quite interested but she looks eager, so I will consider the motion.. Luckily, last weekend I managed to finish most of the editing for the Buku Aturcara (but missed going back to KK, almaklumlah poket kering - still waiting for SBT Feb to Apr claim). But money or no money, I still have to go back to KK this weekend to buy prizes for the winners of the activities to be held. Plus, Letty is going to get enganged this Sunday. Hope I can make it to the engagement.

I'm stopping here. There's a background of Igal-igal music playing in the Bilik Gerakan. Will stop by there for a while before going back home to watch the kids practising. Cute little kids.

Toodles!

One of Those Moments Again

This is one of those moments that I start feeling down again. A small conversation about someone puts my low self-esteem on the rise again. I don't know why I am feeling this. But I do know that I can get easily distracted by comparing myself with others.

I read this blog today and it struck me hard because what she is experiencing is the SAME as what I am going through now.

http://justbereal77.blogspot.com/2009/09/low-self-esteem.html

LOW SELF ESTEEM

I needed to put this post up next.

I cannot tell you how much I continue to struggle with my low, low, low self esteem. Some days I feel I am doing okay, and all it takes is a look from someone or me comparing my life, my talents to someone else then I am truly crushed! So crushed, that I just do not want to go on anymore!!!! Even a fleeting thought of ending it all. Yesterday was a really crushing day for me. Very debilitating. Takes so much out of me! Naturally, when I am alone, I do not have this problem as much. Oh it is there, but nothing draws it out......except PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE!!! Ugh!

So here I am comparing “my” life and achievements to someone else and second by second I am dying inside as they share what wonderful things are going on in their life. It took all I could to keep an encouraging smile on my face for them. Once they walked away and I walked away, to my secrete hiding place at work, I broke down. Cried!!! Also cried out to my God in anquish! The pain of failure and shame (even though I know I am not to believe I am a failure) is so very prevelant!

My low self esteem is, if not, the "MOST major stronghold” of mine that is really challenging out of all the others I have. If I could get some kind of grip on this stronghold, it will be a tremendous help and make my journey sooooooooooo much easier to walk. Right now, it is a continual major painful battle!!!!

I know I should not, but I continued to get so very angry and frustrated with myself!!! As I want to be set free so badly from this stronghold!!!! At the same time, knowing I need to go through the pain and experience, but thank God I do have Him to help me, otherwise, there would be NO Way for me to go on!!

Most of her words above fit with my situation. A lot of people out there is experiencing the same problem. Is this a 'disease' in the society? It kills the confidence inside and may produce the much hated feeling of envy and jealousy. No, I would not say that I am jealous. Jealousy, in my opinion, is a bit harsh. What I am feeling is more towards me. In other words, I feel very low and 'small' because I am not as good as the others. So why bother after all? That's another question that I'd like to know the answer so much. I guess I was brought up to think that perfect is the best thing. I don't come from a perfect family (yet grateful with what I have - loving family members in our very own and comfortable way), I don't excel in studies exceptionally (yet grateful I managed to earn the level of education I have so far), I don't raise high wages (yet grateful because it's comfortable enough for me to pay bills and go on with life), I don't have people telling me what I should do , I am not a popular person (yet grateful I get nominated for some positions in clubs/societies/organizations). So all these far from perfect things surrounds me should make me feel grateful for the way they are. But what happens? I feel low when comparing myself to others, just because I an not perfect enough. But heck, who is perfect after all? Then again, another side of me keeps whispering - even if they are not perfect, they are still better in anything than you. Sigh.

I am in the process of learning and accepting things as it is. Mind you, this does not happen frequently. It only happens to me in certain situation+time. More likely to happen if I think I should have done better in a particular something, and that person is way much better than I am. Sigh *again*

While browsing the internet, I found oe website containing self-help advices. Pretty useful, here two of them that I can relate to myself:

http://touchpointcoaching.com/resources/wisdom.htm#Satyr

A Creed to Live By
Nancye Sims

Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.

Don't set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you.

Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them life is meaningless.

Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.

Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.

Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. It is this fragile thread that binds us to each other.

Don't be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give love. The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

Don't dismiss your dreams. To be without dreams is to be without hope; to be without hope is to be without purpose.

Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've been, but also where you're going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.

Declaration of Self Esteem
by Virginia Satyr

The following was written in answer to a 15-year-old girl's question, "How can I prepare myself for a fulfilling life?"

I am me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. There are people who have some parts like me but no one adds up exactly like me. Therefore, everything that comes out of me is authentically mine because I alone choose it.

I own everything about me - my body, including everything it does; my mind, including all my thoughts and ideas; my eyes, including the images of all they behold; my feelings, whatever they might be - anger, joy, frustration, love, disappointment, excitement; my mouth and all the words that come out of it - polite, sweet and rough, correct or incorrect; my voice, loud and soft; all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.

Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me in all my parts. I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts; I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best interests. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know. But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for the solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time, is me. This is authentic and represents where I am at that moment in time.

When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said and did, and how I thought and felt, some parts may turn out to be unfitting. I can discard that which is unfitting, keep that which proved fitting, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me and therefore I can engineer me.

I am me and I am okay.

It's a Nice Saturday

This morning I logged in to Friendster and found out the guy named Niel Kim replied my earlier message. Luckily I was not too skeptic to the point that I do not bother answering his question. He DID went to KK after all! Am proud that somebody from countries ashore are interested to visit places in Malaysia, far better than some Malaysian ourselves (referring to myself too since I am looking forward for a trip to Jakarta huhu). But I guess balanced travelling does no harm right?

Here's the places that he went too (pasting his original message). Hope it will be helpful to those wanting to come to KK Sabah (kalaula ada foreigner yang baca posting ni hehe)

hi~

*^^*

i got back from kk.

i stayed at hyatt regency hotel, it was very close from gaya street sunday market.

i've been manukan and sapi island on saturday.

i've been 'center point' at saturday night.

and then i ate big crayfish and shrimps for dinner.

in front of 'center point' there was big sea food restaurant.

i couldn't remember the name though. *^^*

on sunday, i've been signal hill, 2 different mosque, pasar besar, sunday market, sabah museum, kampung warisan, small penampang fish market, filipino island(?), etc.

in case of filipino island, i'm not sure the name is right. anyway, there were lots of houses built on over the sea in gaya island. i could see that houses from my hotel room. so i wanted to go there, and fortunately i met jetty driver who lives there at the harbour. i've got in his house which is one of those houses.

and then i got back to here.

it was great trip.

i really appreciate your warm reply. *^^*

o, can you talk with via msn..?

my account is "*********@hotmail.com"

Today is Friday

Today is Friday..What's more? I'm not in Banggi...I'm at my beloved home sweet home..Yay!
Took holiday today (under Cuti Rehat Khas la ni). Was actually planning to finish up Auntie Jun's assignment today, but as at recent time I am still hooked up to this blog. Searched for a new skin and still in the process of fabricating (somehow I never get satisfied with the way my blog looks). I hate procrastinations, but I love doing what I enjoy doing=)

This morning I got a new message in my friendster inbox. Turned out it was sent from a person named Niel Kim from North Korea. He was asking me what places should he visit in KK, and he's coming this weekend.

I was sceptical at first. Maybe it was another junk message or just some forwarded note. So out of curiosity, I opened his profile. Looking at his pictures which includes an album of him going to Africa, this guy may need real help after all. Ah well, no harm done providing him information on the places in KK. In fact, what I thought would be a short message turned out to be quite informative to him as a tourist=)

Here are the places I have recommended:
1. Vast choices of islands e.g Pulau Manukan, Pulau Mamutik, Pulau Tiga
2. Monsopiad Cultural Village
3. Poring Hot Spring
4. Tamu Kota Belud
5. Pasar Filipin

Why islands? I think Sabah is famous for it's greenery and islands. Pulau Manukan is the favourite place to go because it is not so far from KK. If you want a more private and smaller area, then Pulau Mamutik is the place for you. I went to these two islands before but not Pulau Tiga. I just recommend this island because Survivor 1 was filmed here and the island looked nice in the series. hehe

Pulau Mamutik

I went to Monsopiad Cultural Village with Azurt, Shatila and Wan Borneo. Nice place I would say. Upon reaching there, you will be provided with a personal guide (after paying the ticket fee for sure!). While waiting we were provided with orange juices to quench our thirst on that quite hot day. Then we were brought around the place, some skulls here and there, trying the local gadgets and weapons (sumpit la ba ni). We were even offered to eat the 'butot' (sago worm), but too bad (lucky for others) they 'ran out of stock'. Hehe. After that, we were brought to the hall to see their dance performance. Siap kena ajak naik pentas menari Manggunatip (betulka ejaan ni) sama-sama penari.

Monsopiad Cultural Village

Poring Hot Spring is nice for people to relax their strained muscles after a long day of walking and sight-seeing around. And also I recommend this place because he might be interested to stop by at our famous Mount Kinabalu (I did not recommend climbing the mountain to him because he will need to book 3-6 months in advance to do so)

.
Poring Hot Spring

Tamu Kota Belud is going to be held this Sunday, 25th October 2009. Well actually it's there every Sunday but once in a year they are doing it grand and bigger. If the tourist manage to go there he will be lucky that he's coming on the right time.

Tamu Kota Belud

Pasar Filipin? (to this day I have no idea why it is called like that). Maybe back in the days most of the things sold came from Philippines? Or the sellers' origins maybe? Why it is known by that name compared to it's other name Pasar Kraftangan? But I know that it is famous for its pearls and crystals=)

Proud to be a Sabahan.

Let's Bid!~

Dayang called me a few days ago and were asking on Ebay. She planned to use credit card, but I can't help much on that since I always opt for funds transfer before.

Since she mentioned Ebay, I have come to realize that it's been quite some time since I last purchased an item here. Well, it's more to stamps actually. Yeah, I admit it. My hobby is collecting stamps. Sound very conservative, yes, but I do enjoy collecting stamps from North Borneo and also Malaysian stamps. Bought me a catalogue on Malaysia, Singapore and Brunei stamps so I can keep track on my collections. Malaysia Boleh! hehe

Today I logged in to Ebay and bidded on some stamps., hope that I will make a good purchase later. (I should be studying for SPP interview actually, it's next week on the 14th). Here are three out of eleven items bidded today:

You Don't Have Show everything..it's not necessary!

Hello there...was that a rough+bold post title? I was friendster-hopping a few weeks ago and came across a profile of a friend. Okay, I must admit a lot of my friends got married and in the process of getting married. Engagement and wedding pics are totally fine with me (I myself am thinking of doing so too as a form of announcement to all my friends out there).

But pleasela..you don't have to be such a show-off..I hope I will retain my sanity by making sure that I will not lick my own spit. Because there is a saying that if you are sick of something and telling the whole world about it, there may be a karma and those things happen back to you - smack in the face. But with this one particular case I am not intimidated to tell everybody..simply because I believe I will give some kind of advice and a mind-opener to you guys out there.

OK, here what it was. On one profile of a gal friend, she posted a picture of her and her husband, half-naked. I know it's your husband and you can do almost anything you want to do with him. But come onla, people don't have to know what you are protraying in the picture (or what you two are going to do next after taking that nude picture of yours). Showing off uncovered bodies are really not necessary. Sometimes, people might think you are being 'riak' and this may lead to false impression on you.

I can use a lot of words that are mean, but I will stop here. Just a message to all people out there, post anything you want just as long as it's not too overboard. I love to see pictures of my friends, but this one is quite disturbing..hehe..some people may not agree with me but I believe in the freedom of speech=)

Tahu Apa Itu Tokek?

Anda tahu apa itu Tokek? Mungkin ada di antara anda yang tidak pernah mendengar nama ini..Malah mendengarkan nama tersebut saya akan terbayangkan satu perbuatan samada ala-ala perkataan toreh (menoreh atau menokek)..Saya juga dapat membayangkan jika perkataan tersebut membawa maksud cekik darah (mencekik atau menokek)

Tokek adalah nama yang disebut oleh kaum Ubian di kawasan kampung tempat saya mengajar (mungkin nama ini juga digunakan oleh suku kaum lain di Sabah). Tokek ialah seperti seekor cicak. Seperti. Cuma saiznya adalah dalam 8-10 ganda besar daripada cicak biasa.

Saya begitu fobia dengan cicak. Mungkin disebabkan oleh insiden pahit yang telah saya alami ketika berada di dalam Darjah Dua dahulu. Selepas daripada itu, saya cukup 'gerun' apabila berada dalam jarak yang dekat dengan binatang ini. Masuk tandas, sanggup saya tahan jika ada cicak di dalam.

Ketika sedang duduk di ruang tamu di rumah guru yang saya diami sekarang (bersama teman serumah, Wana dan Jue), Wana berkata sesuatu dan memandang ke arah dinding di atas. Saya pun melihat sama. Cuma yang tidak samanya saya terlompat. Lari ke arah pintu masuk rumah. Paling memalukan air mata bergenang, akibat terkejut melihat saiz cicak yang sedemikian rupa. Mahu mengangis ketika itu.

Dari situlah baru saya tahu daripada budak-budak sekolah nama cicak tersebut ialah Tokek. Kalau dalam Bahasa Inggeris, lebih dikenali sebagai Gecko (kalau tidak silaplah). Mungkin ada juga kelebihan berjumpa dengan Tokek ni, kini saya kurang fobia dengan cicak. Cicak ada di dalam tandas pun saya sudah berani demi 'membuang'. Tokek yang ada di rumah guru ini ada tiga, mungkin sepasang itu adalah suami isteri dan seeokor lagi anak tokek. Walhal, baru beberapa minggu yang lepas anak tokek itu mempunyai saiz seperti seekor cicak biasa. Kini ialah telah membesar 5 kali ganda pada perkiraan saya.

Ini adalah pasangan Tokek tersebut. Kredit kepada Wana yang tanpa gerun berjaya mengambil gambar-gambar mereka.

Weird

It's really weird seeing someone else having the same name as me..I was searching on the yahoo search engine on "nurul eva" (yes, a bit pathetic but please forgive my curiousity) . A link shows my name and some sort of wedding shots. When I opened the page my name popped up!~ Apparently it was a wedding picture of someone named Nurul Eva too. Weird to see my own name. Even weirder it was a wedding picture. Any signs coming? Haha kununla. Dream on eva (sigh~)

Here's the picture (with credits to the owner)

Goodbye Scrawny..

At the time I'm writing this Helmi is digging the earth at the back at our home..Mum woke me up just now at around 4.35am to tell that Scrawny had died. Did I cried? Yes.

And why so? I was looking after him these past few days..Went to sent him to the vet 3 days in a row..And on the 4th day, he seemed to became worse. He didn't even want to drink the water that I fed him. There was a slight think that if he can't manage to eat himself after even being medicated, not much can be done anymore.

On the 4th night (which was last night), I saw him curling up at the sofa. Tried again to fed him some glucose water that the doc gave but he won't drink anymore. It was really painful to see him suffer. So I went upstars to sleep myself. While thinking about him and the times when he was smaller. When his little sibling (white cat) and him were taken to the vet. And the sibling ended up missing and probably died somewhere cos he never went home again. And Scrawny survived at that time. Another time when he was bitten by a dog and had to be brought to the vet to get his leg operated. And he survived that time too. We alwasy thought Scrawny was a Survivor. I guess this is just the time, his fate of death had come.

Last night too I dreamt of him. I dreamt of him waking up and fit enough to eat from my hands. Last night I remembered how cute he was when he wiggled his tail..About the times that he will follow me around, eventhough we always say he's a "jual mahal" cat..More like a cool cat who doesn't bother about anyone..About the times that Kakzi brought him upstairs to sleep with her and Scrawny just obediantly slept in the bedroom. How when we tried calling his name and he tried to meowed back but only a small+harsh voice coming out..With those pitiful eyes, one is blind and one barely can see..That made him a special cat. That was why I've cried. And about how he was a good companion to us all this time.

Helmi's done digging. Am going too bury him. Goodbye Scrawny, you will always be remembered..

*photo updated 23.10.09: Scrawny and the White Cat when they were smaller, sick from infections they got after milking from their mum


*photo updated 23.10.09: Scrawny after the operation (the vet put a guard around his neck to prevent him from licking his scars from the operation)


*photo updated 23.10.09: Scrawny the Survivor (even after all these while, since he was gone and I found this pic today, I still feel sad for what happened to him)

My New Place

Guess what..I got posted to SK Loktohog, Pulau Banggi Kudat..KK to Kudat takes 2 1/2 hours drive..From Kudat you have to board a ferry to Pulau Banggi which takes 1 hour to reach there. From the jetty in the island, a car will take you to the school in around 10 minutes time.

I first knew my school when we were in the taklimat at Airport View Hotel. The MC did mentioned that those who got Kudat, 50 percent of them will be posted to Pulau Banggi. I somehow took it lightly with the hope that I'm not one of the "lucky" ones. Even Alice confidently assured me that I'm not one of them. Just as soon as I opened the Surat Penempatan, the first word that I saw was "Kudat". Then my eyes shifted to a word before it.."Banggi". Adeh, mana lagi Banggi ni kalau bukan Pulau Banggi. My brain started to process what I read earlier. Yes, I'm one of them.

Went to the school already on Friday. Reported for duty to the headmaster, then went back to KK on the same day. Today is Sunday and I'll be going back there (did I mention that the ferry only works twice a day?). Tomorrow marks a new experience and moment in my life, starting my first day as a TEACHER.

My first impression of the school was okay. It was a nice place actually. But of course, having a status "Pedalaman" (bukan "Luar Bandar"), there are some lacks here and there. Hopefully everything will turn out just fine and I will get adjusted to it.

Okay got to go, need to pack things now. Toodles!~